Should I text my ex “Happy Birthday*”?

*you can substitute birthdays with national and cultural holidays such as New Years, Christmas, etc.

The simple answer to this, to much of your potential dismay, is that it depends. Much like the position I maintain with my clients, I’m not going to tell you what to do. Rather, I’m here to promote self-reflection whereby our actions begin to match our intentions.

Birthdays have a specific emotional gravity to them. What seems harmless and polite on the surface can be a secret wish, hope, or worse, an expectation. Now, none of the above nor below is about judgement. The desire and the compulsion to reach out is completely understandable and normal – whether you’re the one that initiated the break-up, or you’re the one that was broken up with. This is, rather, about alignment. Does what I’m about to do match who I want to be in the world? There are no wrong answers when it comes to authenticity.

So, first off: What are you actually hoping would happen?

…and at the risk of peppering you with questions to the point of overwhelm, consider: if they replied warmly, what would that mean to you? Would it mean that:

• There’s still something there? A spark ignited by a sense of eligible partner scarcity?
• That you’re still important? Making sure that you’re still worthy in the eyes of another?
• Or that you’re not as replaceable as you feared?

You’re most likely not going to like what I’m about to say, but I feel beholden to deliver uncomfortable truths in order to unlatch you from suffocating paradigms. Oftentimes, birthday texts aren’t about kindness but about reassurance.

Now, I want to make it very clear – there’s nothing shameful about that. But, it is important to be honest with ourselves about our subconscious motivations. Then and only then would we be able to heal ourselves via self-compassion, the metaphorical licking of our own wound. So, what are the motivations?

Common Motivations

1. You’re testing emotional waters
   A birthday can feel like a socially acceptable excuse to contact “because it would be rude not to,” but behind the surface-level pleasantries, what we’re really saying is:
   • “I miss you”
   • “I regret leaving”
   • “I’m sorry for how I acted”
   • “Are you seeing someone else?”

It’s a seemingly low risk probe but beware; there’s a high chance that they won’t respond in a way that you hoped. Be it a disclosure that they’ve moved on, or the dreaded double blue tick of being left on read.

2. You’re trying to soothe your own anxiety
   Simply put, the urge to text isn’t about them, but about:
   • A bid for proximity
   • Easing the guilt of your self-defined past mistakes*
   • Managing finality
   • Finding out how to define yourself outside of the relationship
     
     
3. Dopamine casino

A compulsion to pull the arm of the one-arm bandit and paying via an emotional currency. There’s almost a hopelessness quality to it – “I’ve got nothing to lose, worst case scenario is that everything stays the same.”
And sure, I can see the logic there, but it hints of a scarcity mindset. This line of thinking is predicated on the idea that happiness can only be found with them, so why not try?
The thought exercise here becomes: if you believed you could be happy without them, if you knew with 100% certainty that you can find love again (hell, an even better one that you had before), would you still reach out?
The dopamine hit, this time, is not about the outcome. We’re actually addicted to the potential, the anticipation, the hope.
The other thought exercise here is: if you knew that they were deeply in love and deeply committed to someone else, and that their resolve is immoveable (nothing you can say or do would change their mind), would you still reach out?
If the answer is no to both of those questions then, well, you have your answer.

If the answer is yes, however, then proceed with caution. If you still feel “hopelessly in love with them” and would still reach out given the above hypotheticals, then you’re flying very close to the territory of “I’d rather have some of them – no matter how small – than none of them.” You’re consenting to being deprioritised.

Something Practical

When it’s not a good idea to reach out:

• You’re still checking their profile/social media (beyond Facebook/Instagram. I’m talking about their Spotify as well).
• You’re still looking through old pictures and replaying old memories in your mind.
• You’re hoping to reopen the relationship.
• You’d feel rejected if they didn’t respond warmly.
• You’re trying to interpret their moving on (and what it means about you)
• Or quite simply, you’re feeling lonely. Any outreach stemming from loneliness is rarely a good strategy.

You not reaching out in this context doesn’t mean you’re a dick. Self-preservation and self-healing takes priority here.

When it might be okay:

• You share kids/co-parent or have some shared obligation/responsibility e.g. pets.
• A genuine closure has been reached, and you have genuinely transitioned into being just friends (rare)

And even in those cases, it should be brief, neutral, factual and non-emotional: “Have a Happy Birthday – hope you and the kids are well.” There’s no expectation and no invitation for anything more.

TL;DR is realising that we may be asking ourselves the wrong question. It’s not, “am I being nice?” but rather “am I being honest with myself?” If you suspect that you may be seeking something more with these Happy Birthday texts, you need to be kind to yourself. Healing takes consistency, tolerance of pain/discomfort, and the acceptance of a level of uncertainty moving forward. If you suspect that you’re still hung up on an ex and would rather not be, feel free to drop me a message here and we can talk about how we can work together.